


Have I Been Lost

by Nevanna



Category: X-Men Evolution
Genre: Episode Tag, Gen, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Season/Series 02, Telepathy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-15
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-12 23:04:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3358607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nevanna/pseuds/Nevanna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As she and her friends continue to recover from Mesmero's mind control, Jean tries to own her mind and actions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Have I Been Lost

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place after Episode 2.12, "Mindbender." It can be considered an expansion of or companion piece to [Safe and Sound](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1866552), though I think (and hope) that the two stories can be read independently of each other.
> 
> The title is from "Carnival" by Natalie Merchant, and, yes, I mined that song deliberately based on its title.

The rain was spilling from the sky and streaking the windows by the time Jean and the other X-Men returned to the Institute. As they stepped out of the elevator, she heard Scott ask, “Is there… anything I can do? I mean, for any of you.”

He was still wearing his visor, but his voice had lost the edge that it usually carried on the battlefield. Without a doubt, it was Scott, not Cyclops, asking her that question.

She responded with one of her own. “Did we hurt anybody?”

He hesitated. “Not seriously.”

“You swear?”

“I swear,” he said firmly. “Jean, you know you could find out if I was lying.”

“You’d let me…?”

“Of course. I trust you.”

“Thanks.” She had fallen asleep in her own bed, worrying about a grade that she was supposed to receive on Monday. She had woken up in his arms at an empty carnival site, with rain soaking through her uniform, an even deeper chill beneath her skin, and no memory of the last two (or was it three?) days. Kitty, Kurt, and Evan hadn’t looked her in the eye since they lifted off for home. “I’m glad that one of us does.”

\--

Jean was grateful to be able to finally change her clothes. She would have been even more grateful to crash into sleep, but instead, Professor Xavier instructed her, along with the other three, to join him in the library. 

“Please, sit down, all of you,” he said. “I won’t keep you for long, but we have a few more things to sort out. Even if none of you remember Mesmero’s plans in full, I doubt that we’ve seen the last of him, and the more we understand about his abilities, the better. That includes the extent of his control over the four of you.”

At that, the others looked even more uncomfortable than before. Jean couldn’t blame them. They all probably knew, just as she did, what it was like to lose control over their powers, to be betrayed by their own minds and bodies. This was different. Somebody else had _forced_ that betrayal, from the inside.

And she was almost certain that he had used _her_ powers to do it… which was why she resisted the temptation to reach out to them, to reassure them, to say that she was sorry.

Evan, who could usually be found sprawled or slumped over any available furniture, was sitting up straight and alert. “You mean, he could still be in our heads?”

Kitty shuddered. “He could, like, make us do whatever he wanted. I still can’t get over…” She seemed to realize what she was saying, and to whom, and trailed off. Kurt put an arm around her, and she leaned close to him.

“It’s unlikely that he’s left you subconscious instructions,” Xavier acknowledged, “but not impossible. I intend to find out, and I expect you to cooperate.” He paused. “You know that I would never hurt any of you.”

Later, Jean would wonder if the others had tried instinctively to pull back from the first touch of his mind against theirs, from the insistent probing at layers of thought and memory and impulse. She had to draw in a deep breath, let it out again, and remind herself, _I know him, I trust him, we’re safe, it’s all right_ , clinging to those words as if they would become true if she thought them hard enough. 

She and the professor had worked together, again and again, to separate _Jean_ from _not-Jean_. She _knew_ what belonged in her mind and what didn’t. If he intended to find out, then they could help each other. She thought that she felt his approval at that, like a warm hand covering hers.

When she heard him say, out loud, that he hadn’t detected any additional tampering, she was as relieved as the others must have been, but she didn’t need to be told. 

“Could you…” She realized that this was the first time that she herself had spoken aloud since they’d all gathered together. “Professor, if we wanted – if _any_ of us wanted – would you be able to unlock our memories?”

If he was surprised at her question, he didn’t show it. “I could certainly try, but I would have to delve much further into your minds, and what I find there might be somewhat… upsetting.” _**If you in particular were to lose control of your emotions, Jean,**_ he added in her head, _**then that would not end well for any of us.**_

“I understand,” Jean told him. “I can’t speak for anybody else, but I’d rather know than not.”

\--

In the days that followed, Jean would recall the terrible blankness on her teammates’ faces, or the police cars that she had sent flying with a wave of her hand, and she would have to use all of her willpower to stay calm through the anger and fear. She remembered Scott stumbling and clutching his head as she sank psychic claws into his brain, and later flailing in midair while his eyes blasted everything around him… and part of her wished that she had let those memories stay hidden.

She would remember, too, when Evan aced a math test a week after they tried to return to their normal lives, when Kitty modeled the outfit that she had bought for the Sadie Hawkins dance, when Kurt settled down to watch _Star Trek_ with his friend Forge and let out a laugh that didn’t sound forced. 

“Do our minds even still belong to us?” Kitty asked one morning, after a nightmare that she wouldn’t share in detail. 

Jean understood that question all too well; it was impossible to have learned about her own telepathy, much less the existence of other mutants with similar powers, without turning it over a few too many times. “Yes,” she said. “They do.”

There might still be nights when all of them had trouble sleeping, for reasons that had nothing to do with their worries about school or a difficult Danger Room session. There would also be other days when Jean understood (and was almost certain that the others did as well) that if they let the lost days permanently destroy their trust in each other, or themselves, then Mesmero, and whoever or _whatever_ he was serving, had already won.

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to Elle, and (once again) to KatiaSwift, for their encouragement. <3


End file.
